‘Earlier in the day Helena looked demure at the Calvin Klein Autumn fashion show, then she slipped on her push-up bra,’ says the red-blooded tabloid as it compares shots from paparazzi agencies Big Pictures and Splash, and revealed ‘a lot of front’.

‘Rosie Huntington-Whiteley gets a boost in a pink pinstripe Full Coverage Cotton bra,’ salivates the red-blooded tabloid before going on to ‘flaunt her cleavage’ in a ‘leopard-print Plunge push-up bra and knickers’ then turning her back to reveal ‘little to the imagination with her skimpy red knickers’.

The models ‘proved they look just as good without a stitch on,’ salivated the tabloid. Paul Dacre’s organ was first excited by Love magazine when it featured a naked Beth Ditto on its cover.

Commenting on a series of shots captured by paparazzi agency Splash , and shared with banana buffing readers, Dacre’s organ claims ‘the 29-year-old model looked skinnier than ever – with the body of a young teenager.’

Pictures of Celebrity Big Brother star, WAG and glamour model Danielle Lloyd in variety of poses and taken from all sorts of angles certainly got Paul Dacre’s organ excited.

The star of reality TV show The Hills, Audrina Patridge is shown in a couple of bikinis and hungrily crawling along in a wet t-shirt. ‘She then shows off her toned curves in a stylish black swimsuit complete with chic platform heels,’ salivates the red-blooded tabloid.

But banana buffing readers need not worry as the red-blooded tabloid has obtained a series of stills from the Spartacus public relations team with which to titillate readers.

Should the show get the go ahead in the UK, viewers will be treated to scenes of orgies, nudity and violence — including John Hannah — that is guaranteed to excite Paul Dacre’s organ all the more.

Even better for banana buffing readers, film distributors Icon were persuaded to release a series of stills from the film featuring Blake Lively as a dominatrix and ‘finding love’ with an older man.

Paparazzi agency Splash quickly moved in as Lindsay Lonhan’s dress moved up, exposing her leg. The now giggling celebrity was forced to prevent an upskirt incident by strategically placing her jacket in the way of prying lenses.

Nevertheless, the red-blooded tabloid was delighted to titillate readers with pictures of Lindsay Lohan ‘exposing too much flesh’.

A former Miss Ireland, Claudine Keane was spotted sunning herself in Dubai, not long after having a baby; a move that often captures the interest of the red-blooded tabloid. The not-so-secret was she kept active and ate healthily.