Buff the Banana with Paul Dacre

Keep buffing with Paul Dacre, while the editor’s away!

Stephen Newton — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 08:05:08 +0000

Sadly the editor of Buff the Banana cannot be with you right now, but that’s no reason for the fun to stop. Over the holiday period, we’re going to shake things up a bit! Instead of posts appearing in the traditional reverse chronological order, each hour the homepage will change to feature a couple of stories selected at random from the archive.

And with well over 500 stories in that archive, don’t expect too much repetition, just sit back and enjoy!

Jenny McCarthy’s Jason Toohey has impeccable pecs

Stephen Newton — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 07:55:53 +0000

Jenny McCarthy goes public with her new man… a former model with an impeccable set of pecs
Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail knows its readers well and has been particularly anxcious to keep them up-to-date on the love life of former Playboy model Jenny McCarthy, a banana buffers’ favourite.

Jenny McCarthy ‘in a relationship’ with former fitness model Jason Toohey, according to his Facebook page (the well connected tabloid probably knows a friend of a friend). We suspect that the news that Jason Toohey has ‘impeccable pecs’ will come as a disappointment to less fit Daily Mail readers.

Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace in super-tight minidress

Stephen Newton — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 10:49:55 +0000

Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace leads the D-listers at latest Danny Dyer movie in super-tight minidress
She may be a D-lister, but Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail is in love with Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace and thinks she looks ‘busty’ and ‘shapely’ in a super-tight minidress.

‘The 31-year-old’s willingness to attend functions in revealing outfits is no doubt part of the reason for her enduring appeal,’ sighs the red-blooded tabloid over images captured by Getty.

Pink bikini exposes Hilary Swank’s abs

Stephen Newton — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 07:55:28 +0000

Million Dollar Body: Hilary Swank, 36, shows off her incredibly flat stomach
When Hilary Swank took a stroll in an itsy-bitsy pink bikini, Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail was left amazed by her washboard stomach… the red-blooded tabloid has always enjoyed looking at women with ‘athletic figures’.

Hilary Swank was holidaying with her boyfriend in Hawaii with paparazzi from Pacific Coast News keeping an eye on things for Paul Dacre’s army of jealous hacks, tethered to their desks in London.

Blake Lively’s cleavage excites Paul Dacre’s organ

Stephen Newton — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 12:08:37 +0000

Eyes front, Ryan! Blake Lively’s top leaves very little to the imagination
When Blake Lively wore an exceptionally low cut top at the Comic-Con convention in San Diego, Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail was left more than a little hot under the colour.

‘[Blake] Lively had obviously decided to give the geeks… something to get excited about,’ exclaimed the red-blooded tabloid. Paparazzi from Splash even managed to capture a hint of nipple.

Kelly Brook in Playboy

Stephen Newton — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 07:55:50 +0000

Her fans will be bowled over: First images of Kelly Brook’s Playboy photo shoot released
Kelly Brook has posed for Playboy in what Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail calls ‘a sultry shoot’ that is bound to drive the tabloid’s red-blooded readers wild.

‘My boobs are real, and they even hang a little,’ Kelly Brook told the men’s magazine. The Daily Mail has been looking into Kelly’s Playboy adventure, reading all about it in the News of the World and on website Fox 411. Banana buffing readers should also look out for Kelly Brook naked on billboards for Reebok. Looks like Paul Dacre’s team will have to take a lie down.

Daily Mail to Jessica Beil: ‘we can see your knickers!’

Stephen Newton — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 10:29:28 +0000

Jessica Biel’s plan doesn’t come together when her sheer red dress reveals her black underwear at A-Team premiere
When Jessica Beil turned up in London to promote the The A-Team, the red-blooded Daily Mail exclaimed: ‘she wore an outfit the same colour as the carpet, and managed to flash her black underwear in the process.’

The fashion faux pas was not so bad, says the tabloid which bought the revealing pics from paparazzo Joanne Davidson; ‘given the shapely actress’s well-known penchant for regular workouts at the gym, she needn’t have been too worried about what the flashbulbs would show up underneath her gown.’

Alesha Dixon upskirt

Stephen Newton — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 07:55:51 +0000

Where’s your dress gone, Alesha? Ms Dixon suffers unfortunate wardrobe mishap at Leeds Party in the Park
When Alesha Dixon appeared at Leeds Party in the Park, paparazzi from Big Pictures were waiting in the mosh pit for some upskirt action and were delighted when her dress rose up to reveal a pair of black knickers.

Red-blooded tabloid hack Sarah Bull was waiting at a Daily Mail news desk that has suffered an upskirt drought for some time now. Upskirt shots have long excited Paul Dacre’s organ and telephoto lenses were quickly extended for Alesha Dixon.

Lindsay Lohan strips before jail

Stephen Newton — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 07:55:44 +0000

Something to remember her by… Lindsay Lohan’s sexy photo shoot before she checks into sober living and heads to jail
Lindsay Lohan squeezes in one last sexy photo shoot before checking in to jail
Lindsay Lohan has completed so many pre-jail photoshoots, Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail is left announcing her final strip several times. The red-blooded tabloid has particularly enjoyed her work in German GQ and Complex.

Georgina Littlejohn got to study the GQ shoot in detail but, perhaps unable to read the text, chooses to remind banana buffing readers of how good Lohan looks in a bikini. Meanwhile, Lindsay was unable to spare the time for an interview to go alongside her Complex pics but that doesn’t bother the tabloid.

Jennifer Aniston topless

Stephen Newton — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 07:55:05 +0000

Risqué Jennifer Aniston goes topless for ad campaign to sell her new perfume
Jennifer Aniston has gone topless to promote her latest perfume and Paul Dacre’s Daily Mail is delighted to have been given access to some of the pix.

To be sold exclusively at Harrods, Aniston’s Lolavie, ‘laughing at life’, smells ‘sexy and clean…floral but not too flowery’ reports the red-blooded tabloid.